The One that wasn't - A Day to Remember

In honor of Leap Day some folks are blogging about the babies that didn't come -

My sign in for this blog is still the name that would've gone to the first-baby that wasn't. I think there is a part of me that misses meeting her more as time goes on. Back then everything was happening so fast that it was really very surreal. We got pregnant on the absolute first try - pretty amazing for an old guy like me & frozen swimmers and no meds or anything. So we were still just running along on the high of such an easy conception when we went in for our first (about 9 week) appointment at the OB's office.

I think Em was kinda aware that things could be less than great but I had no worries at all - I was so definitely pregnant - heavy & sore b@@bs, getting sick feelings, all the fun of early pg-ness. This is what I wrote close to the time about that day ...

...and we are all watching the little TV screen and I’m waiting to see something that’s supposed to look like a dancing gummy bear- but all I see is a lot of black – no gummy bear at all. And at this point E is really quiet, and the doctor is moving the probe around and its starting to sink in to me that something is probably pretty wrong here. The NP says something about it not looking right & being really sorry and I am just going ka-ching shut everything down. She wants us to go across the street and get another scan on the super machine to confirm that there’s nobody there – but it’s pretty clear that the pregnancy hasn’t progressed (for awhile). I think that e. was crying – I don’t really remember. I was paying attention to the NP’s manner more than the actual words that she said. She left us alone & I got dressed & e. was freaked, and they sent us across the street. The fancy ultrasound lady was great – she was business-like without any of the fake I’m sorry stuff. Her brusque manner made me feel safer than a soft sympathy manner would have. She confirmed that there isn’t a baby & there hasn’t been for awhile – probably since about the 6th week – I think that it never got a heart beat.We left there and went home & to bed. The doctor’s office called later & said that if I don’t miscarry in the next week I will need to schedule a D&C. I didn’t sign on for this.

So that was on June 22, 2005 - the Wed before Queer Pride Weekend. I spent most of PRIDE 05 telling every lesbian in San Francisco that I wasn't "with child" anymore & walking around the Dyke March - which is usually so fun & revigorating for my soul... knowing that I had a body that thought I was pregnant even though I wasn't & that my almost baby was dead but my body didn't know it yet somehow.

Before this I always thought of losing a pregnancy as something that started with cramping & bleeding & not looking at a tv screen - I didn't know that my body could stay pregnant even if the fetus wasn't still developing in there -- I felt betrayed by my body which is something I don't usually feel.

I didn't "mis-carry" on my own over the next days so I basically had to have a dead baby ab*rti*n which was pretty much one of the crappiest things I've had to do -- I will be forever thankfull to Jean & to Kathy B. and to my therapist who were all so sweet & did both big & little things to take care of me that day.

Photo Friday - Tranquility

This photo is from last October when we escaped with Deb & her family to Whidby Island for a weeks vacation. Sure we didn't use the rowboats on the frigid water in October - but it didn't matter - the point was we all got away - Away from the craziness of residency, away from the long days of being what feels like a single mom, away from a cranky mom, away from school, away from trying to figure everything out.

There is nothing that gets me calm as quickly as a hot tub, no internet access and a ocuple of hours in the kitchen with my wife.

-- A couple hours off-duty from childcare and a wonderful view doesn't hurt either.

Check out PhotoFridays.

Challah Part 2

This time the Challah rose!!!! Look how happy he is.

Give me an R - Give me an I ...

February Path Photo

You can see the Dec & Jan Photos from this spot on the Jan 7th Post - The difference for this month is much warmer days occasionally allowing us to go out in just a sweater - no hat, no gloves - WOW
(ps - today its pouring rain)

The Plague of 08

All of our little playmates are getting the FLU. Our little monkey was the first one sick - throwing up a couple of weekends ago when we were up visiting his Grandparents in the Shire. Em and I came back from the movies to find him sitting with Grandpa Phil eating copious amounts of chocolate ice cream - apparently he is very, very charming when he says "more icescream peez!!!" We were fine with this until about 2 hours later when all that chocolate ice cream ended up on me, and em and the sheets... then 2 more hours later there was more - and another set of sheets, and 2 hours later.... You get the idea. So by 7am on Sunday the lil guy was basically back to himself but I was WASTED and needed a weeks vacation to recover.

So later the next week our little friend Jack got something similar - but worse - He was sick for DAYS - and he lost like 10% of his body weight. Next down was Lila upstairs who was sick Friday night and then her daddy was sick last night. And we got a text message from Emily yesterday that Xan was puking.

The lil Monkey & I have now moved away from the Pukey flu type illness into a nice standard cold - we are both totally snotty and snoring like crazy at night - I think we almost kept Em awake with our din. Of course its also Vacation week so all our playgroups are closed - which will force us out into even larger public disease venues like the Science Museum... So we will see what comes next.

Shabbat Farah

This shabbat the lil' monkey & I did something that we hadn't tried before....

Yup we baked ourselves a Challah. He helped out with the kneading and did a great job with the egg wash. Sadly our yeast was from about 2004 so the bread was on the dense side - but all in all it was a good first effort.

The best part of all was him running up to emily when she got home & bringing her into the kitchen & pointing into the oven saying "challah" to show her what he'd done

新年快乐

HAPPY NEW YEAR
WELCOME TO THE YEAR OF THE RAT

R's Favorite Video

Watching Zoo Zoo

This is a short film of the lil monkey as he's watching the video show that Grandpa Phil made of our big trip to the Bronx Zoo -

Cleaning up Jack's House

The lil Monkey found the "vacumn cleaner" over at Jacks' house and spent half an hour of play time "cleaning" up the kitchen. Like I've said before - I don't really know where he is learning any of this cleaning behavior to mimic - its certainly not from either me or emily. Maybe memories of Mama Kathy B. maybe when he sees people cleaning house on tv... but I do sure hope it continues. Perhaps my little Taurus will clean us all up.

On another note - he is beginning to learn bits of the alphabet. He is recognizing and naming the letters "j" "s" and sometimes "u". He is also starting to count - he counts 2-3 but seems to have no use for the number one. He also asks for the ABC's to be sung by yelling bee-cee bee-cee also apparently having no use for the letter A.